PAINS

Cruel or cutting remarks from strangers can be hurtful, but 99 percent of the time, we are hurt by someone we know, and these injuries are deeper and more painful, because a person who should be the source of love suddenly betrays that love — intentionally or otherwise. It’s hard to admit, but wherever a relationship exists, the possibility of someone getting wounded exists. 
The most common reason we get hurt by another person is: Our ideas of hurt don’t match. Because we all learned as small children to accept our family life as normal, we forget that every other family has their own “normal,” and the differences between those normals can be significant. For instance, one family sees shouting as “friendly advice,” which is easily accepted or ignored; in another, yelling can be a sign of open hostility.

The one distinguishing factor is the creation — and observation — of boundaries. When it comes to being hurt, situations where everyone’s boundaries are respected are completely different from situations where those boundaries are not respected. Signs of respecting boundaries:

You feel secure in who you are and make others feel secure.

You expect to be respected for your opinions, even if the other person disagrees with them.

You understand that each person has emotionally sensitive areas that need to be handled delicately.

You don’t point out other people’s faults.

You don’t automatically find fault or argue just to get a rise out of someone.

You listen, even if you don’t agree with the other person.

You find it easy to empathize with someone else.

Your default position is to accept rather than to reject.

You are happy when the other person succeeds.

If you can tick off all these characteristics, you grew up in a very healthy home psychologically, or if you didn’t, you’ve learned how to undertake personal change very successfully. However, if you find yourself struggling to achieve these things — or to get them from the other people in your life — your upbringing probably included some of the following negatives.

Signs of not respecting boundaries:

You hide your vulnerable spots for fear that the other person will either attack you, or in some way take advantage, if you expose weakness. At bottom, you feel that being hurt is the same as being weak. You expect to be rejected if you stand up for your opinions and beliefs.

You point out other people’s faults to gain the upper hand, or to distract attention from your faults.

You habitually find fault or argue, for no good reason.

You listen to others only to seek more evidence to strengthen your argument.

Blaming and judging other people are ways to reinforce that you’re right most of the time — or is it all the time?

You feel insecure in who you are and easily become defensive. You feel the need to justify yourself quite a bit.

Your default position is to reject rather than to accept.

You are jealous when the other person succeeds.

The value of these two lists is in understanding that respecting boundaries is the best way to protect yourself from being hurt. In soap operas, the heroine may suddenly realize, “He doesn’t love me anymore.” But in real life, the hurts come in small doses, with occasional larger, dramatic flare-ups

What is more painful? When a person whom you trust hurts you or the person whom you hurt still trust you?